the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
