I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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