I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Randomize
