My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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