i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
