I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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