just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
