I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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