just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's never too late to be topless.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
