3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
