there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
