her vagine was all disorganized.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
