I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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