Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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