My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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