sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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