Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
