you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
