we have pet lesbian snakes
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I don't deserve a penis
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
