apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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