This is not my ceiling
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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