Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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