I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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