My friends, they love my intelligence
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
