I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
