I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
