Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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