Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
