you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
