I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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