i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
