I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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