we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize