the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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