Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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