Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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