I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
