he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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