just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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