I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
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I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
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By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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