he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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