i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
