the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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