Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
