dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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