I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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