when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
