i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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