i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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