ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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