Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
