I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I love having hate sex.
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I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
A bitchslap is in order.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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