my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
