my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
