I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
