So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
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