I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
