I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
