Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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