Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
