Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
