between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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